Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Grief

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and wasn't sure if I was going to post it, but I have found that writing things down has been therapeutic for me.  It's help me work through some of my thoughts and get them out -- let them go.  And if someday someone else reads this and in some way it touches them then it was worth it.  So here goes . . . 


I didn't read any of the books on loss or grief.

I didn't want anyone telling me that my pain was the same as anyone else's. Or that there was a way to get through it.

It wasn't.

There wasn't.

I lost MY mom.

MY MOMMY!

I was bursting from the inside out. Bursting with anger. Bursting with pain. Sadness, jealousy, fear, pity, anxiety, rage.

I went through phases of never wanting to feel again. Never wanting to love. Because if I didn't feel, if I didn't love then I couldn't lose again.

I frantically reached out for support simultaneously pushing the ones who loved me away. Like a child during a temper tantrum. My emotions were so raw I couldn't contain or control them.

I still have moments. When I'm flooded with emotion so strong I can barely breathe. When despite my best efforts, my eyes well up with tears that escape and stain my face.

I think I'll always have those moments.

The victory is that they are moments. And moments pass. And those moments are surrounded by wonderful moments. Two and a half years later I wouldn't say I'm healed. I'm not. I have a long way to go. But I am healing. The wound is not as big, not as raw.

There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about Mom. That I don't miss her with every fiber of myself. That I don't long to talk to her or hug her one more time. I don't think that will ever go away.

But time has given me the gift of perspective. I am not the only one who has lost. And others have survived to thrive. To live fully, to love fully. To find joy in the everyday.

I'm getting there.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me
Labels: , ,

35 comments:

  1. MakkattJune 12, 2012 at 9:28 AM

    I lost my Dad almost 5 years ago. There is nothing like that pain, that loss. Thankfully these days when I think of him, I almost always smile instead of cry. But I still have my days. Father's Day is hard, as is any major mileston. I had a little boy 4 months ago and I cried a lot then because I would have given anything for him to be able to be there in person. But I feel his spirit all around.

    And you are exactly right when you say moments. They do pass, and we get on with the business of living.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AmandaJune 12, 2012 at 11:59 AM

      You are right. There is definitely nothing like that pain! I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Not having my mom around for the birth of my son's has been so very difficult. I've tried many times to put those feelings into words and have yet to be successful.

      Delete
  2. AnonymousJune 12, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    I am bookmarking this because someday I will face this and it will help me. So thank you for being so honest and so brave.

    ReplyDelete
  3. GiaJune 12, 2012 at 10:36 AM

    Ugh, this is so sad. I can't imagine being without my mom right now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jen at Kvetch MomJune 12, 2012 at 11:04 AM

    I lost my mom last year and it has been terrible. I haven't read any grief books either because frankly they piss me off. So, I trudge through every day feeling like hell. It doesn't seem like it'll ever get better, right? It is helpful to hear that you are a bit further out in the process and are having good moments. You've inspired me to keep hoping for lighter days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AmandaJune 12, 2012 at 12:04 PM

      Jen-I'm so sorry for your loss. The books pissed me off for a very long time too. I'm finally starting to get to a point where I can read about other's experience with loss and grief and find a way to relate to it.

      You are right. It does not seem like it will get better. I carried the weight of the grief around for a very long time. My two kids are probably the only thing that saved me from really diving into some serious depression. I wrote a post earlier this year about feeling like I was seeing the world in color again for the first time. It was honestly the first moment I felt connected since my mom passed. It's been a very long journey, and I know its not over.

      Anyway-that's a really long way to say that I understand where you are and can relate to how you feel. And that yes, the grief does let up little by little. I think it will always be there but it did let up.

      Delete
  5. carrieJune 12, 2012 at 11:44 AM

    Oh man. I am so scared for the day when I lose my mom. I never got to grow up with her so anytime I get with her now, I try to enjoy. I could feel the rawness in your words, even two years later.

    I'm sorry for your loss and I hope your wonderful memories of her help to pull you through the tough moments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AmandaJune 12, 2012 at 12:05 PM

      Thanks Carrie. Memories are funny things, they have the power to make me feel better and worse all at the same time. But I still hold tight to them because it is how I keep her close.

      Delete
  6. UnknownJune 12, 2012 at 11:45 AM

    I cannot even imagine right now what it would feel like to lose your Mom.
    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, and I think you are very brave and kind to lay your emotions out here like this to help others.
    Dawn

    ReplyDelete
  7. ShanJune 12, 2012 at 11:54 AM

    There is never a good time to lose a mom, but you really did lose yours too soon. My heart goes out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. christinaJune 12, 2012 at 12:35 PM

    ugh, i'm so sorry. thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  9. JulieJune 12, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    "I'm getting there."

    Those are good words.
    And I'm so very sorry. Still.

    ReplyDelete
  10. SusieJune 12, 2012 at 2:22 PM

    You are lucky to have been as close to her as you were and that is why the pain is so bad. Because you loved her so much and she was so important to you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your Doctor's WifeJune 12, 2012 at 2:35 PM

    At "I lost my mom", I choked on my heart and was unsure if I could read any further. My mother battled colon cancer and the diagnosis, surgery, and chemo put my into such a depression, I couldn't get out of bed. Luckily, she is a survivor. I fight tears and nausea every time I think of her passing.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  12. UnknownJune 12, 2012 at 5:21 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. My dad battled through kidney disease, a transplant and then was stricken with the dreaded post-transplant lymphoma. He is hanging in there so far but facing the reality of his mortality has been incredibly difficult for me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AlisonJune 12, 2012 at 7:25 PM

    I'm really sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine losing a parent. I hope writing this has helped you heal, somewhat.

    ReplyDelete
  14. UnknownJune 12, 2012 at 9:59 PM

    I cannot begin to imagine what you have gone through, as my mom is still alive. But I'm really glad you felt comfortable enough to finally share this and I hope it has been therapeutic. I know I use my blog for a lot of that.

    And screw the books on grief---everyone is different, there's no one way to get through it...

    hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sisterhood of the Sensible MomsJune 12, 2012 at 10:03 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss and pray that the bright moments just keep getting more numerous and more frequent. Ellen

    ReplyDelete
  16. Whoa! Susannah (Formerly Write, Rinse, Repeat)June 12, 2012 at 11:16 PM

    I wrote a few weeks ago about losing my dad and Godfather and all the pain that that entailed. You will survive it. Prayers for you. Beautifully written post.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousJune 13, 2012 at 12:13 AM

    I can't fathom. Absolutely can't imagine. My mom drives me NUTS. She lives 5 miles away and she's intermingled in everything my family and I, and my sister and her family do. I talk to her, text her, email her and see her at my doorstep daily. Something upset me at a party this weekend and like a 5-year-old little girl who just skinned her knee I ran to her as quick as I could and as soon as I got there the tears began to flow. She's my MOM.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and so happy you're finding a way to heal.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AdrienneJune 13, 2012 at 12:30 AM

    I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're getting there.

    I have not experienced this kind of loss yet. I'm not looking forward to it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. AdoJune 13, 2012 at 7:52 AM

    The way you miss her is a testament to what a good mom she was. (-:
    I'm sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  20. JoeJune 13, 2012 at 10:22 AM

    I am sorry for your loss. I can't claim to know what you're going though; both my parents are still living. Yet, they are getting older, and I know the day will come when I will be without them. I don't want to think about it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Aidan Donnelley RowleyJune 13, 2012 at 10:38 AM

    This is so wonderful, and raw, and real. I lost my own Dad almost 4 years ago and I write about him and it is hard but it also feels important and therapeutic. Grief is a tricky beast, isn't it? But it can bring us together, if we let it. So happy to be here reading your words.

    ReplyDelete
  22. The Dose of RealityJune 13, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    I understand everything you are saying here. Today is my mother's birthday. Last year I spent it scattering her ashes. Writing about it helps. And I think people benefit from reading other people's experiences, too. Even though they are not the same, there are always elements of common truth. Thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  23. mannahattamamma.comJune 13, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    Are we ever ready for that particular loss? I don't think we can be, really. I know I'm not. I hope you have lots of support around you in this hard time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. HeidiJune 13, 2012 at 2:51 PM

    There is no timeline for grief. There just isn't. You get through by getting through. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.

    ReplyDelete
  25. UnknownJune 13, 2012 at 8:44 PM

    My wife's mother lived with us for 10 years. She was a wonderful woman and, like you, we lost her two years ago. The key for us is to always remember the enjoyable times we had. The pain never goes away, but it helps us the healing process remembering good times.

    Rick@Scrunchydoo

    ReplyDelete
  26. Indisposable MamaJune 13, 2012 at 11:01 PM

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain of losing a mother.

    I cant tell you that I lost someone who meant the world to me about three years ago. The pain is still there at times, but it is eclipsed by gratitude, and I more often smile than cry when I think of her.

    Love never dies. You'll still feel your mother forever in small ways, sometimes unexpected. The soul is stronger than the body.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dude of The HouseJune 14, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    The pain is immeasurable. Tomorrow is my mother's birthday and it's the 2nd one she won't be here to celebrate. Even after a year and a half, it is hard to fathom this new reality. Thanks for sharing your story.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Michelle LongoJune 14, 2012 at 5:59 PM

    I lost my mom just over 2 years ago. It is so hard. I hope those crippling moments become less and less and the good memories become more and more comforting.

    ReplyDelete
  29. kimberlyJune 14, 2012 at 7:59 PM

    So glad you were able to share this post. It takes courage, as it does to heal. By sharing, you help others, too. Blessings to you.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)