Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Filling the Void

My mom's death left a huge void in my life.  A gaping hole that I thought was going to swallow me whole.  The void was tangible.  I had hours in my day that I use to fill by talking with her.  Hours that were now empty.  The void was also intangible the lost memories, lost dreams, lost hopes.  In the months (years) after I lost her, there were many days I thought I lost myself too.

I struggled desperately to fill the void. To fill that time.  To replace lost memories, dreams and hopes.  I repeatedly reached for people to take her place.   But it was like fitting square pegs in a round hole and in the end I was lonelier than ever.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened.  But sometime over the course of this last year I stopped trying to fill that hole with something.  I accepted that there is not a person or a thing that can fill that void.  I embraced the void.  I accepted it as part of me.  And I've let it be a place for my mom to rest peacefully.  

That void was my mom's place in my life and instead of trying to fill it with distractions or replacements I would let it remain full of her.  At times I can still get lost in the void.  But by accepting it and giving it space in my life I have broken it's hold over me. 

And at the same time, it has freed me to love my friends and family for what they are in my life.  They are not my mom, they shouldn't be.  But they fill my life with so much love and happiness and support and for that I am forever grateful!

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