The Scary Side of Being a Parent

Last week I heard that an eighth grader in my town, someone's little boy, took his life.  As a mom, the mere thought of this tares me into pieces.  It makes my heart ache for that child, for that child's parents, that child's family.  It scares me to pieces that something can make a child feel things are helpless, hopeless. 

Then today I read this.  And Oh. My. Gosh.  Being a parent is so frightening.  I looked at my little monsters tonight, whose lives' are entrusted to me, and realized that right now this is the easy stuff.  I've stumbled through the last 2+ years in various states of exhaustion covered in spit up and snot and who knows what other bodily fluids.  I've rocked and burped and nursed and fed and bathed and clothed and rocked and cuddled and rocked these babies into the wee hours of the night (morning).   I've worried about fevers and coughs and sniffles and bumps and ultrasounds and blood tests.  And they have returned this outpouring of love with giggles and babbles and snuggles and coos and I love yous.  All of this has been the easy stuff. 

What lies ahead, that's the hard stuff.  How do I teach them that hope exists even in the darkest moments?  How do I instill in them self confidence and resiliency?  How do I teach them kindness towards others, empathy and compassion?  How do I make sure they know that no matter what - NO MATTER WHAT - their mom and dad are there for them, love them and can help them through anything they face? 

There's no guide book for this and despite my best efforts I tremble thinking that I might get it wrong.  Or worse, that I'll get it right but it won't matter. 

Accountability - Week 1

So, as we established earlier today I have a problem staying motivated and being honest about my training.  Tonight is my first weekly wrap up.  These may not be all that interesting but it's just another tool to keep me honest and motivated as I train to walk the Susan G. Komen 3-Day in October.

Accountability - Week 1
Weeks until Walk - 31
While we are talking the walk I'll throw in current fundraising total - $2953.14
Official training doesn't start for another 7 weeks but I'm working to get myself up to a baseline so training doesn't overwhelm me.

Monday - Nada
Tuesday - Nothing
Wednesday - Nope
Thursday - 1.5 miles on treadmill
Friday - no
Saturday - I had the best intentions but then my child pooped on our subwoffer and I needed wine!
Sunday - 3.3 miles trail/road pushing both kids in the stroller

This week I started a new job which is super exciting and motivating and left me mentally exhausted.  Not an excuse, just my reality.

My goal for next week is to take advantage of the beautiful weather forecast and hit the pavement with the boys after work a couple of nights.  I'm going to pack my clothes and change before I leave work so I just have to toss the kids in the stroller and go. 

I Have an Accountability Problem

I have accountability issues.  I like shortcuts -- ones that no one but me need to know about.  No one but me needs to know that I ate that one (two, three -- OK 4!) cookies.  If I put this one purchase on my check card Matt never needs to know about it.  Eh, who will know that I took the short route instead of the long route on my walk. 

I'm pretty sure this is why the only workout regiments that have ever worked for me have been in structured settings.  Swim team, dance class.  I'm an incredibly proud and competitive person.  If there are other people there, gosh darn it I'm going to do it all and do it all well.  But put me on a regiment where I'm the only person who is keeping track of my progress and all resolve goes out the window.  Hello shortcuts! 

I realized this today.  (Yeah- I'm quick -- only took me 33 years)

My team mates had other plans today so I packed the boys up in their stroller, filled up my water bottle, grabbed my iphone, and turned on the MapmyWalk app.  Off we went.  I knew the general route I wanted to take but didn't know the distance but I set off for a planned 3 mile walk. 

As I was entering my neighborhood I took a look at my phone and saw I had only walked 2.2 miles.  The internal debate began. 

I should just head to home.  It would be close to 2.5 miles.  That was good enough.  No one would know.  It's almost three miles.

But I caught myself.  NO!  No, Amanda!  You are training and if you are ever going to be able to complete the 3 day you need to be honest with yourself.  Yup, if you keep going there is going to be another hill -- just take it slow.  If you keep going you may get a blister from that spot that is rubbing weird in your sneaker but that's OK -- you need some blisters now to help prepare your feet for the 3-day.  If you keep going . . . what?  You keep going!

JUST. KEEP. GOING.

The kids are content.  The sun is shining.  You aren't on a schedule.

JUST.  KEEP. GOING.

And you know what, I did.  I headed back out into the neighborhood, straight for the big hill.   And when I pulled the stroller into the drive way I had clocked 3.3 miles. 

So yes, I have an accountability issue and I need the help of everyone to keep me honest.  So as my training kicks into gear I am going to start posting a weekly wrap up of my training. It'll be an opportunity for me to track my progress and journal any challenges or successes I've encountered. 

Here's to accountability!

33 Years Ago

 

Time for a little Evaluation

Every so often I go through a phase of assessing where I am in life and things I'd like to do to make me a better me. 

I'm going through one of those phases.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm about to start a new job and the idea of a fresh start professionally has me examining the rest of my life.  Maybe it's the fact that Will is now a toddler and I can start thinking more coherently again.  Whatever the reason my brain is swirling with things I want to do - things I need to do. 

Become a healthier me - Yup, that tops my list.  I should be ramping up my exercise as training for the walk really kicks into gear.  I need to make this a priority in my every day!  I've also been sort of kind of doing weight watchers for the last few months.  No more of this kind of sort of.  Time to be serious and all in.  If I bite it, I will write it.  There's so many other things that fit into this category I could dedicate a whole blog post (or series of posts) about the things I want to implement to help me become a healthier me.

Learn to take better pictures - This is something I have wanted to focus on since Sam was born.  I want to capture our life.  Document the beauty (and chaos) of our every day and our special days.  I've been reading up on blogs and learning how to actually change the settings on Matt's DSLR.  Check out a recent pic I took in manual mode (a huge personal accomplishment).  I want to keep playing in manual and learn how to spot meter and learn how to digitally process.  I've been really enjoying ClickinMoms as a resource.  I have a steep learning curve. 

Take Time for Personal Reflection - I've been struggling with my faith and beliefs since loosing my mom.  It's something I am very aware of but have continued to push out of the way.  I just haven't had the energy and frankly for a very long time I was too mad, too raw to even try to work through what is in my head, heart and soul. I have been spending a lot of time reading a certain blog by a mom who talks a lot about faith and divinity and grace.  She doesn't do it in a preachy way but she weaves her thoughts on these big issues through her posts about her every day.  I find them beautiful and inspiring and they make me want to start the long process of rebuilding a relationship with faith.  I need to make time for this.  My faith use to be a huge anchor in my life.  I miss it.  And I think I need it, but I've been too hurt to just blindly return.  I need to work on this relationship and see where it goes. 

Focus on My Marriage - Matt is my best friend.  My rock.  My true love.  But in the swirl of the every day and the chaos of our kids I feel like I forget to recognize him.  I forget to honor our relationship.  I want to be more mindful of this.  Be more present in our marriage.  He deserves it.  We deserve it.

In a World where there is never enough time, I think it is important every once in a while to take a step back.  Evaluate. Prioritize.  Adjust. 

What things do you need to make room for in your life?