My Friday Night Confession

I love my kids. I really really really do.

But I may have cried a little when I was told that daycare was closed this Monday.

I need to recharge my batteries!

There goes my mom if the year award!

Be Your Own Best Advocate

A few weeks ago I posted about my first mammogram.  I never got a call back.  I never got the letter they promised if everything was fine.  After about two weeks I called my OB/GYN, Dr. P.  They had never received the report either.  She called me back a couple of hours later and read the report to me.  "A normal mammogram with the appearance of a small mass in the right breast."  How is that normal? I asked.  I was told the radiologist believes it is likely a lymph node. Oh, Ok.

I hung up the phone.  I was left unsettled.  Normal with a mass?  Likely?  Hmmmm.  None of that sounded nearly definitive enough for me.  I called my primary for a second opinion.  She reiterated what the report said.  Said I was young.  Just go back in 6 months. 

Normal with a mass.  Likely.  Young.  Still none of this sat well with me.  I recognize that my history makes me sensitive to this, but isn't that why I'm being screened so young in the first place?  My wonderful mother in law told me to pursue.  Gave me the push I needed.  Another call to Dr. P resulted in her recommendation to visit the Hoffberger Breast Center at Mercy Hospital.

I showed up in Baltimore sheepish.  Feeling like maybe I was wasting people's time.  Maybe my anxiety is getting the better of me.  I mean, a Dr. told me it was normal.  Not just one Dr. but two and a radiologist. 

That's where I met Barb.  Barb is a R.N. at the Hoffberger Breast Cancer Center (which I will say is one of the nicest and friendliest Dr. offices I have ever visited).  Barb walked into the exam room and I was instantly drawn to her.  She had the best qualities of my mom and the best qualities of my mother in law all mixed into one person.  Who wouldn't be drawn to her?

She asked me about why I was there.  She asked me about my life.  She asked me about my babies.  She asked me about my mom - not just her breast cancer but about who she was.  She took a full and complete history.  She offered her arm when I got emotional.  When I asked if I was being silly for being concerned, she assured me.  Told me that I have to be my own best advocate.  That if something doesn't sound right than I have to push for the answers.  She said she would do the same thing.  Then she told me something that finally put my mind at ease.  She said, "sweet heart, you don't have to worry anymore.  You have an advocate in me.  And together we will find all the answers we need!"

After the exam we met in her office where she showed me my films (a novel idea huh?).  She showed me the small spots that the radiologist wrote up in his report.  She confirmed that she is nearly positive they are benign but that I am young and I have babies and I have a history so for her "nearly positive" isn't good enough.

She worked with me to find a state of the art imaging center that has a specialization in breast cancer and takes my insurance.  She called the care coordinator while I was in her office and asked her to take care of me (which she has!)

I'm scheduled for follow up tests in a week.  I'm sure everything in the end will be fine, but I needed to know.  I needed something better than "we think" and "you're young." 

Through all of this I have had a number of friends comment that they would have felt the same way but likely followed what their Doctors originally told them.  They would not have wanted to challenge their doctor.  That was my first inclination too.  But I write this today to say that you and ONLY you are your own best advocate.  Don't settle for answers that leave you with questions.  Keep asking.  Keep pushing.  Take your health, your life and your care into your own hands.  No one else is going to do that for you!

Brotherly Love

 

Yesterday I was driving my boys to daycare.  Will was not happy about being in his car seat and was screaming.

All of a sudden Sam started singing a song for his brother.  "Will, will, crying crying.  Will, Will yay!"  (He's destined for stardom!) Followed shortly by demands, "Will, hand.  Will, hand."

I looked in my rear view mirror just in time to watch them each reach out their little arms to hold hands.  Fits of giggles from both followed.

My. Heart. Exploded.  I freaking LOVE these kids.  How darn lucky am I?  How darn lucky are they to have each other?

Sure, there will be fights . . . there already are.  Sure, they'll compete with each other.  Sure they'll get on each others nerves.  That's normal, expected.

But I hope they will always know brotherly love.  I hope they are each others' best friend, at the end of the day, when all their other friends have gone home.  I hope Sam continues to stick up for his little brother, Will, when other kids steal his toys.  I hope that Will protects Sam's feelings when one day another kid tries to hurt them.   I hope in the the face of adversity they stand united. I hope when one triumphs they celebrate together.  I hope they hold and build each other up.   

While they may go their own ways, like their own things, have their own friends -- I hope my boys grow to know what I see today -- that there is nothing stronger, or more real, than true brotherly love.

All about Will - My Surprise Blessing

Will was . . . how shall we say it . . . an unexpected blessing.  In the first few months after I found out I was pregnant I said that over and over and over again trying to convince myself it was true.

The fact is I was up to my ears in a rambunctious 7 month old named Sam and the thought of adding another baby to the chaos that was our life was overwhelming.  But while I was struggling to make peace with the timing I celebrated the baby inside me.  While my sleep deprived brain tried to catch up, my heart was already in love with this little life.

Will was due on my birthday -- March 8 -- but he didn't wait that long.  Induced due to preeclampsia, Will made his appearance in this world on February 23 -- my mom's birthday.  It really couldn't have been more perfect.  And I don't think I can find the words to describe the mix of emotions -- bittersweet and all consuming -- that I felt when I held my sweet Will for the very first time.  The grief and joy were so intermingled I couldn't tell one from the other.

But in that moment I knew something for sure.  Will was not an unexpected blessing. Will was a very planned and intentional gift from my mom.

You see, I believe that God gave me Sam. He knew I needed Sam to get me through the first year without my mom.

But Will was my mom's doing.  Her answer to my desperate pleas.  I wasn't seeing her in my dreams like others had reported.  I would cry out questions to her that would go unanswered.  Just as I was struggling to see her in the every day she sent me a sign that she was still with me.  And every day since I look at that little boy who has so stolen my heart and I know, I just know deep down inside that she is with me.

I'm Walking for a Cure . . . Still!

I'm writing this post knowing that it may incite some and bring on attacks but from the onset I want you to know that I have no political motivations.  Having worked in the heart of and close to politics for over ten years I try to get as far away from divisive issues as possible, but after spending the day biting my tongue I decided I needed to say something.

I'm sure by now you have heard that Susan G. Komen (SGK) has decided not to provide further grants to Planned Parenthood (PP) - an organization that offered mammograms to underserved populations.  If you haven't -- google it.  The decision has caused quite an outcry and I've heard many people denounce SGK, say they are pulling out of walks, refuse to fundraise, say they will refuse to donate.  That just makes me sad. 

Before this morning I did not know that SGK provided funds to PP.  It wasn't a factor in me signing up to raise $2300 or walk 60 miles.  What I knew is that they provide funding to organizations that provide mammograms to underserved populations.  Quite frankly, I don't care if the money goes to PP or another organization - as long as the funding continues to serve these communities. 

Personally I don't really have strong feelings about PP one way or the other.  I think I would be writing a similar post if the argument was being made by those opposed to SGK granting money to PP.

What I do have a strong feeling about is finding a cure or a way to prevent this disease that killed my mom and continues to strike way too close to home.  I don't think anyone can refute how much SGK has done to advance the ball in that regard.

I am and have always been walking for a cure -- today hasn't changed that.