I am going up to NJ next weekend to help clean out my Mom and Dad's house.
Honestly, since my mom died it's so hard to be there.
And despite how well I think I'm doing on a day to day basis I feel myself slipping as the weekend gets closer.
This is hard to write because I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I should be in a better place by now. And I worry that these feelings will hurt my family's feelings which is the last thing I would want to do.
My anxiety is taking over. The weight of what needs to be done to get my parent's house ready to sell is suffocating. I know I need to do it. I know I need to be there. It's just so hard. Three years later it is still so hard.
And As I was walking today I realized that it was just about three years ago that I raced up to New Jersey to be with my mom as she lost her battle. And it's all too real, too close, too raw.
It's always been hard - going home. This time seems especially hard. Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel better. Maybe it's because I have found a way to find a sense of peace. Maybe I have held New Jersey at a distance to protect myself. No, I definitely have held it at a distance to protect myself. And to go back there will bring those feelings back -- the feelings that I have been able to move past for the most part. The thought of slipping back into the grief, the sadness, the anxiety, the helplessness has already exhausted me.
Am I my own worst enemy for anticipating this? Why can't I just go? It's one weekend. I get to see my dad and my brother and the rest of my family. Why can't I just embrace the good? Why am I letting the anxiety seep in? I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I put this off until I can't put it off any longer. I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel like such a baby!
How is it that I feel the loneliest and the most isolated when I am there? I feel the most vulnerable when I am in the place that holds the best memories of the past, the place where I am surrounded by those that have always loved me. I miss feeling like I am going home. I miss feeling like I am safe. I hate that I can't get back there.