It’s weird how that is one of the things that resonates so strongly with me. That thought first hit me when my mom was laying in the hospital during her last days, and it has come back to me often.
A moment. That will never be. Lost.
I’ve cried for that lost moment many times.
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| Dancing with Joe at my wedding |
But they loved each other in the purest of ways. Fiercely. My brother with the fiercest of loyalty and my mom with the fiercest of heart. The two of them, beacons of strength. So different but so the same.
When my mom died it was Joseph that I worried the most for. He’s the strong silent type keeping a lot inside. A rock. His silent sobs at her burial were my undoing. My already broken heart shattered. The weight of all the moments that would never be turned me inside out.
My brother will never dance with my mom at his wedding.
That sentence paralyzes me. It is the very essence that haunts the inner corners of my heart. A worry so deep I don’t know how to break its hold.
Because,
I am a mom.
I have a son (I have two sons).
I will dance with them at their wedding.
Very, very powerful. I know this feeling. My dad died the year before my brother's wedding and sometimes I think that fact was harder on me than on him.
ReplyDelete(Small editing things I would change, please ignore if you want, I would take out "my brother" and just go with Joseph's and I would change "I worried more *for my brother," so that you don't have to end in a preposition.)
Jennifer-
DeleteThank you. It's so strange the things that you end up fixating on isn't it?
And thank you for your good suggestions.
Amanda
Oh man. This is so sad. Im so sorry that your mom never got to be at her son's wedding. And I'm sorry for all the things you will miss together.
ReplyDeleteThanks Carrie! I loved your post this week.
DeleteAnd perhaps you will dance with Joe, and when you dance with him she will be with both of you.
ReplyDeleteI sure hope so!
DeleteGreat post. I love what Jesterqueen said above, and believe that too. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I do too!
DeleteGrief is hard as a diamond with a never ending supply of facets. My sympathies. Ellen
ReplyDeleteThank you Ellen. You are right
Deleteso powerful. I am crying thinking my brother might not dance with my mom at his wedding. She may never see his children.
ReplyDeleteThanks Robbie - she never got to meet mine. I was 10 weeks pregnant when she passed.
DeleteIsn't it interesting that the most tumultuous relationships are often the strongest? I sincerely hope we both get to dance with our sons at their weddings.
ReplyDeleteIt is about the small things. Thanks for sharing your journey - amazing how healing blogging can be, right?
ReplyDeleteHow sweet of you to think of your brother in this way -- sounds like he has a sister who loves him, which can't take the place of a mom, but can always be a source of support and love.
ReplyDeleteYour brother's lacking a mom now but he has a powerful sister in his corner, and that must help. And it looks like you can dance; love that wedding photo!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. These are usually the kinds of thoughts that get me too.
ReplyDeleteack so heartbreaking
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how we can hold on to strength for so long, until one thought unravels it all.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss, and for the moments that will be different now because she is not here.
Such a difficult thing to think of what our loved ones will miss when they aren't with us anymore. So sorry for your loss, for you and your brother.
ReplyDeleteReading this is a great reminder to appreciate our family while we still have them here with us!
ReplyDelete